


Never Turn Back

by ideserveyou



Category: Arthur of the Britons
Genre: Angst, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Outdoor Sex, Slash, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-04
Updated: 2011-11-04
Packaged: 2017-10-25 16:51:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/272549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ideserveyou/pseuds/ideserveyou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kai is still grieving for his lost Saxon family</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Turn Back

**Author's Note:**

  * For [trepkos](https://archiveofourown.org/users/trepkos/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Never Leave Me](https://archiveofourown.org/works/235496) by [trepkos](https://archiveofourown.org/users/trepkos/pseuds/trepkos). 



> A sequel to the story 'Never Leave Me' by trepkos, in which Kai left to set up home with Saxon outcast Freya, and returned a year later to seek Arthur's help to take vengeance when she was killed. Arthur took him back but made him swear never to speak of their 'lost' year... Read the story, it's way better than my summary!

Kai is out hunting, and he is alone.

Arthur had the nightmare again last night – worse than usual – but Kai knows better by now than to try to help. The last time, he had a bruise on his cheekbone for a week.  
All morning Arthur has been brittle; withdrawn into some private place of his own, where Kai can’t follow him.

Better to clear out altogether, when it gets like that.

Kai sighs. It hasn’t been easy, since his return. He harmed Arthur, far more than he’d realised, by leaving; and some days it seems he can do nothing but cause more harm by being home again.

There are calm spells, when they seem to put it all behind them and can simply be content.

Then something will go awry – a look, a rash word, a reminder – and there will be long brooding silences, and relentless, exhausting sessions on the practice ground, and nights when Arthur tears at Kai’s body as though in a desperate search for something Kai can’t give, try as he may.

And then Arthur will thrash and whimper in his sleep, and Kai dare not go to him.

Sometimes Kai almost thinks that he would leave again, were it not for the oath he has sworn.

Then he remembers how that felt: the ache; the emptiness. And he holds back the bitter tears until he is alone again.

A pigeon clatters through the wintry trees above him; his horse fidgets, and Kai soothes it, fondling its ears mechanically, then wipes his sleeve across his eyes.

This is doing nobody any good.

A few yellowed leaves flutter down, disturbed by the bird’s clumsy flight, and settle on the damp bare earth at the horse’s feet.

Kai stares at them, then heaves in a breath.

His ghosts are calling to him. He must go and make his peace with them as best he can, or he will find no peace within himself.

He turns his horse eastward, away from the village, onto a path he has not followed since last autumn, when the yellow leaves were falling.

The path to the homestead.

…

Arthur has checked all the defences twice today, but he can’t settle. There is rain in the air, and the wind is blowing from the east, bringing with it a chill, and a vague sense of unease.

He picks at the food on the trencher before him; lifts his cup, and sets it down again without drinking.

Llud looks at him enquiringly. There was a time – before – when he would have asked Arthur straight out what ailed him. But Arthur has changed, and they both know it.

All Llud says now is, ‘Coming to see the weapons drill?’

Arthur looks at his foster-father as though seeing him clearly for the first time in many months. Since Kai’s return, Llud has been very careful in his dealings with both of his sons. Avoiding confrontation has become second nature to them all. Sometimes it seems that it is only Kai’s oath to Arthur that is keeping the family together…

They cannot go on like this. Something must be changed.

Abruptly, Arthur stands up.

‘No,’ he says. ‘There is something else I have to do.’

He snatches up his cloak and strides resolutely from the hall.

…

Kai kneels beside the grave-mound, the dark earth still showing raw and bare between the fallen leaves.

It is a year, more or less to the day, since last he was in this place, and with the chill and the damp scents of decay come the memories: the ones he has not dared to allow himself to think on since his return to Arthur’s bed.

The silent house with its door flung wide; the stored grain scattered.

The blood – the stink and the dark slickness of it, spilled over the floor and the bed-coverings.

Freya’s fixed, staring eyes, the look of terror and despair still lingering on her bruised and ravaged face. Beside her, the limp dead thing that would have been their firstborn: one tiny, perfect hand outstretched, as though seeking something to cling to.

But he had not been there.

His grief and guilt are too great to bear alone; but who will share them? Arthur will not – cannot bear to. Kai has sworn not to burden his brother with what is past. And Kai dares not go to Llud. He has surely forfeited Llud’s help, too, by choosing to take revenge on the men who did this.

Nor will his pride let him turn to any woman for comfort, not even dear sweet Lenni, who he knows would refuse him nothing.

He is alone with the ghosts of his lost family; his Saxon family, for whom he gave up everything. For whom he has destroyed the one person whom he truly loved – will ever love…

His heart breaks afresh; he bows his head to his knees, and weeps.

…

Arthur ties his horse to the one fence-rail that remains – his white horse beside Kai’s black – and looks across the weed-grown field, still littered with charred timbers and scraps of rotting thatch.

On the far side, there are three grave-mounds: two turfed over, one still fresh and with two crosses at its head.

The crosses are hastily fashioned, just sticks tied together. One cross is much smaller than the other.

He hears Kai’s voice in his mind: ‘I had to put them in the ground…’

And there is Kai – hunched on the cold earth, friendless and grieving. Arthur’s heart is wrung with sudden pity. No man should have to bear such pain alone. Arthur had not thought, when he forbade Kai to speak of this, that Kai’s suffering could possibly be worse than his own. But now, faced with the bleak reality of it, he knows that he was right to come here. Something must change, before Kai is broken, and Arthur with him.

He walks quietly down the slope, hoping that what he is about to do will not be too little, too late, to save them both.

…

Kai leaps up in alarm at Arthur’s touch on his shoulder.

‘What are you doing here?’ He backs away, holding himself upright with an effort.

‘I came to look for you,’ Arthur says. ‘When you didn’t come home, I thought… no, I knew you must have returned here.’

‘It’s been a year.’ Kai’s voice is rough with tears; and when Arthur steps towards him and looks into his face, there is fear in his reddened eyes.

Arthur opens his mouth to speak, but Kai forestalls him.

‘Don’t banish me, for this,’ he pleads. ‘I swear I didn’t intend to come here, when I set out. And I didn’t know you would follow me.’ His voice wavers and cracks. ‘Go away. Leave me. You didn’t want to see this – to know about it, any of it. But I couldn’t keep away. And I can’t keep it from you, not in this place…’

Arthur shakes his head; lays a hand on Kai’s arm.

Kai flinches from Arthur’s touch as though it burns him. ‘There’s nothing you can do. Just – just go away, damn you. Go!’

He twists round; makes as though to run.

‘Kai.’ Arthur catches hold of him again. ‘Wait. I am not angry with you.’

He looks down at the grave-mound. Just a pathetic heap of earth: no threat to him now.

Kai is trembling in his grip; swaying as though he will fall. Arthur lets him sink to the ground again, and sits beside him.

‘Forgive me,’ Arthur says.

Kai stares at him. ‘For what? I am the one who left. I wronged you.’

Arthur looks steadily back. ‘And I did you a still greater wrong, by placing such conditions on your return,’ he says.

Kai shakes his head in bafflement. ‘Why did you come here?’

‘I came to tell you something.’

‘What?’ Kai asks hoarsely, picking up a dead grass stem and crushing it between his fingers.

Arthur hesitates.

‘Tell me. Say what you came to say, and then leave me to my… foolishness.’ Kai draws the back of his hand across his eyes; his shoulders sag with weariness.

‘I came to tell you…’ Arthur’s mouth is dry. ‘I release you from your promise.’

Kai turns pale. He stares at Arthur. ‘You… wish to be released from yours? So you can send me away?’

‘No!’ Arthur holds Kai’s gaze, willing him to understand. ‘Never. I would have you stay with me, always.’

‘Then why…?’

‘Because I would have you bound to me by love, Kai, no more and no less. By your own heart, and your own choice, not by an oath that I forced you to make. I was wrong, and we have both suffered for it.’

Slowly, Kai reaches out and takes Arthur’s hand in his. ‘You did not trust me,’ he says. ‘And with good reason. I chose another over you – because I had not the courage to stay with you, and face what I was sure must come to pass. All I achieved was to make it worse. For all of us.’

Arthur looks at the grave beside them. ‘You had to try,’ he says. ‘To save her, and yourself.’

‘And in the end I failed.’ Kai’s voice is bleak. ‘And nearly destroyed you into the bargain…’

‘No more,’ Arthur says firmly, putting a finger to Kai’s lips. ‘Do what you must, Kai. Make your peace with your family. Then come home with me.’

Kai looks at him; faint hope dawning in his eyes. ‘Thank you,’ he says. ‘Give me a few minutes – alone…’

‘Of course,’ Arthur replies. ‘I’ll be waiting by the horses when you’re ready.’

He lets go of Kai, and gets up; walks back up the slope to sit on the bank above the ashes of the homestead, watching the brightness of Kai’s hair against the darkening thicket.

This was Kai’s home – where he chose to be. A good place, with tall trees and clean water and rich soil; a place where a man might settle, put down roots, raise a family.

Arthur heaves a huge sigh. Seeing this place through Kai’s eyes, at last he understands. The taut rage inside him has ebbed away. There is still pain; will probably always be pain. For their lost year, and Kai’s choice of another, and the hurt and anger still unspoken between them and their father…

Yes, there is still much work to be done. But also hope to cling to; comfort to give and take; joy to be had.

And a promise to keep.

Kai comes slowly back across the field, his shoulders bent with weariness, his eyes still damp.

Arthur gets to his feet, and grips Kai’s hand.

Kai says nothing, but nods; they mount and ride away.

They don’t look back.

…

It’s growing dark, and Kai sees Arthur’s horse stumble just ahead of him. Arthur reins it to a halt in a clearing; waits for Kai to catch up.

‘You think we should stop here?’ Kai asks.

‘I do,’ Arthur says. ‘I have food and water, and a blanket.’

‘Always practical,’ Kai says, half-smiling.

Arthur’s face in the twilight is serious. ‘But if you’d rather go home, Kai…’

‘I am home,’ Kai replies, as he dismounts. ‘I am with you.’

Arthur makes a small sound; it might be a sob. Then he slides from his saddle into Kai’s waiting arms.

Kai holds him close. Arthur heaves a breath and says. ‘We need to tether the horses and find some wood, first.’

‘I think we need this, first,’ Kai says, and brushes Arthur’s lips lightly with his own.

Arthur trembles, but his voice remains level. ‘We need a fire, and food.’

‘The hell we do. Arthur, I’m already burning. And the only thing I’m hungry for, is you.’

‘But…’

‘Hear me out. For the first time in who knows how long, I can tell you what I want without restraint. And I’m telling you – ’

‘We cannot go back to how we were.’ Arthur sounds so sad.

‘I know we can’t. But maybe we can go on,’ Kai says. ‘To somewhere better. Find our way, together. Are you with me?’

‘Always,’ Arthur says. ‘Always, Kai.’

‘Then do this for me,’ Kai says. ‘Let me be with you – let me love you. Please, Arthur.’

Arthur heaves a sigh. ‘Very well. But let us at least see to the horses first.’

They unsaddle and tether their mounts; Kai’s fingers fumble with the reins and strapping.

He looks up, and sees Arthur, standing very still, watching him.

Then Arthur unfastens his sword-belt and takes it off, laying it carefully beside his pack. He reaches for the lacing of his breeches and begins to undo the knot…

Kai’s breath comes short. He sits down, tugs off his boots and throws them aside; strips himself of the rest of his clothing.

By the time he is done, Arthur is standing beside him, naked.

Kai scrambles to his feet, and spreads his cloak on the chilly ground.

Arthur looks down at the cloak, and then up at Kai. ‘Shall we?’ he asks.

‘Please…’ Kai takes Arthur’s hand, and draws him down beside him.

Arthur’s mouth takes his; Arthur is pressed against him; now rolling on top of him, his length standing hard against Kai’s…

Something is wrong. A few minutes ago, Arthur was reluctant, and now he is frantic with desire. He is crying out for release, and Kai cannot help but answer the call, burning with need as he is himself. Already he is granite-hard, and leaking.

Kai tries to signal Arthur to slow down, to give him time – but Arthur seems determined not to hear. His tongue thrusts into Kai’s mouth, as his cock thrusts against Kai’s belly, and all too soon Kai is coming, whether he will or no.

He groans, half with relief and half in frustration. He wanted this so much, but this was not how he wanted it to be...

Arthur rolls off him and lies next to him, breathing hard. Kai takes his hand; weaves their fingers together.

‘I love you,’ Kai says.

Arthur’s grip tightens until it hurts.

‘I hate you,’ he mutters, through clenched teeth.

Has he been waiting all year, to say that? Or has he only just realised it? Kai feels a wrench of pity. But he cannot afford to show it – he knows Arthur’s pride all too well.

‘Tell me why,’ Kai says quietly.

‘You left me!’ Arthur accuses. ‘I never thought you’d be strong enough –I thought I could be sure of you – and then you were gone, and my pride and my strength with you – ’

‘I came back,’ Kai says.

‘Yes, you did. But not for my sake – for hers… and you knew… you knew I wouldn’t be able to deny you.’ Arthur’s voice is bitter.

‘I knew I would be able to rely on you,’ Kai says, trying to keep his voice steady. ‘And I didn’t know where else to go. Where would you rather have had me go? To her family – to the Saxon village? To be slain as a traitor, or else welcomed with open arms? Either way you’d never have seen me again.’

‘I know. I had no choice. And that, I hated worst of all.’ Arthur chokes on a sob.

‘I’m sorry,’ Kai says. ‘Truly sorry, Arthur.’

Arthur makes no reply, but the iron grip on Kai’s hand softens a little.

‘I missed you,’ Kai tells him. ‘All the time I was away. I ached for you, as though part of me had been torn away. Not a day went by when I did not think of you.’

Another sob shakes Arthur’s body.

‘And when I came back, I – I wanted to tell you that I’d missed you, because you needed to know it…’

Arthur sniffs. ‘It would have helped, to know… that you never stopped…’ His voice trails away.

‘Loving you?’ Kai says. ‘No. I never stopped. Not for one moment. But saying it would have reminded you that I’d been away – would have broken my word to you.’

He gathers Arthur to him; soothes him; strokes his hair until the tears subside. ‘But I can say it now,’ he says. ‘I missed you. And I still love you.’

‘I still hate you,’ Arthur replies.

But his voice has lost its flinty edge, and now he is sliding a hand down between them, where Kai’s spill is still slick and wet on his belly.

‘I know,’ Kai murmurs into his hair. ‘Tell me about it.’

‘You skinny Saxon bastard,’ Arthur says, pulling Kai closer. ‘I hate you, all of you – your yellow hair, it just makes me want to do this –’ and he buries his face in it.

‘What else?’ Kai asks him, and moves his head from side to side against the pressure of Arthur’s cheek. ‘What else do you hate about me?’

‘I hate your mouth,’ Arthur growls. His breath is warm against Kai’s ear.

Kai’s cock twitches, spent though it is.

‘I hate your damn beautiful mouth, it only has to speak my name and I am helpless. So I have to shut it up – like this…’

The kiss is bruising, ferocious, glorious. Kai tastes blood on his tongue.

‘Is that all?’ he asks at length, gasping for breath.

‘No!’ Arthur rears up over Kai; pins his wrists to the ground behind his head. ‘I hate your arms,’ he says. ‘I cannot escape them. Yet I would have them keep me prisoner always, and never let me go…’

Kai wriggles, and frees himself; wraps his arms around Arthur and pulls him down, holding him. Arthur’s length feels hard as rock against Kai’s belly, and Kai himself is already beginning to stiffen again.

‘And as for this –’ Arthur reaches down again, into Kai’s groin, sliding spill-slicked fingers around the root of his cock. ‘I hate your prick. It is my weakness. The cursed thing un-mans me at the slightest touch.’

He works his hand up and down Kai’s half-hardness; cups Kai’s balls; reaches further down, making Kai catch his breath. ‘Your prick and your arse together. I can’t stop thinking about them. And now…’

‘Show me,’ Kai says, rolling his hips and letting his knees part. ‘Show me just how much you… hate them…’

‘This much,’ Arthur replies, working a finger into Kai’s entrance.

‘And no more?’ Kai asks, when he can speak again.

Arthur takes his hand away, but only so he can spit on it, and then he is back with a second finger, and then a third: taking his time, while Kai spreads himself and pants and pleads…

Then Arthur breaches Kai with his prick; and although he has been playing a game, there is still anger in him, and he soon stops being gentle. Kai rides it out as best he can, cold and aching but with a fierce joy in his heart; crying out as Arthur touches the tender place inside him; holding Arthur close as they shudder and spill together.

Afterwards, Arthur is quiet, and utterly spent. Kai cleans them both as best he can; he brings Arthur’s cloak to him when he begins to shiver.  
‘I’ll get a fire going in a minute,’ Kai says, wrapping the heavy woollen cloth around Arthur’s shoulders.  
‘Thank you,’ Arthur says quietly. He sits hugging his knees and watching as Kai pulls on his own cloak, sets to and kindles a fire, pulls an armful of bracken for bedding, and unpacks the blanket from Arthur’s saddlebag.

Sitting on the makeshift bed, they share Arthur’s mead and provisions, watching the sparks fly upwards into the night sky.

Then they wrap themselves in the blanket, and lie down together.

‘What now?’ Kai asks sleepily.

‘A fresh start,’ Arthur murmurs, shuffling closer to Kai’s back. ‘A new beginning, Kai, with our hearts keeping us together, and no more promises.’

‘One more,’ Kai says. He takes Arthur’s hand in both of his, and holds it against his heart. ‘I strayed, but you have brought me home. And I promise you, I will never turn back.’


End file.
